Ok so here we go...
Today's "Two Cent" topic is:
What TV shows are now hard for you to watch? What are your "two cents" on watching TV or movies?
I was so excited about Jersey Shore, and even though I did laugh hysterically, when they were flashing back to the last episodes I could NOT help but remember where I was during that time. I did not change the channel as I would on other shows that bring triggers, which I think is a major improvement, but I could not help but realize that even this has changed for me. Other shows that have been TOO difficult to watch has been Baby Story, which pisses me off in a way, because that was a favorite show of mine for years before I got pregnant. I can not watch The George Lopez show, I watched this every night when I could not sleep, and each show is another reminder of what she did at what part Ughhh that is too hard for me!!
Any way, what are your "Two Cents" on this? Why do you think a simple TV show can have such an impact on our emotions?
Leave your comments here....
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Two Cent Fridays....
Ok So I am starting something here..I am going to open up the blog to YOUR two cents each Friday. I will start the topic and we can go from there.
Tonight's topic is:
How do you feel about the way others have reacted to your loss? Do you get judged? Do you feel abandoned? Do you get called names? Do you feel alone because of this?
I have had ALL of these done to me, and more. How have I handled it? Well I really was not given a choice. Most responses were for us to "take time to heal" and then we will reconnect, as if I want to reconnect with someone who thinks I as too miserable to be around. Gimme your "Two Cents" on what you think a BLM should do when under this circumstance? I like to think "weeding out the bad ones" works best. But, in the end you realize that there are not much left, but those that ARE left are the most compassionate and understanding people in your life. I am blessed with plenty of those people.
So please, leave your "Two cents" here....and we will see how this goes...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My baby died a little over 3 months ago and I miss her with every inch of my being, but I can't help but want to be a Mommy to an earth baby. I'll be 21 this year (I know I'm young) and my parents would kill me if I tried for another (I've lived on my own since 17yo by the way), but this is what I want. Everyone expects me to finish college first (I'll be a senior in the Fall) but I honestly don't think I could wait that long. It just kills me that I'm not pregnant already. My boyfriend/fiancee doesn't want to try right now for fear of another loss. Should I keep trying to please everyone else or should I do what my heart tells me as long as the boyfriend is on board? Thanks Ann!
Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry you did not get your opportunity to be a mother of an Earth baby. My heart breaks for you that you had to endure such heartache at the tender age of 20. I can hardly imagine what that is like. Seeing all your friends around you worried about petty problems while you are imagining holding your baby. Society has this messed up idea that there is a need to be "married", finished with school, of a certain age, to be a mother. I disagree 100%. I can see where they think that having things done "the right way" would make life easier, but they clearly do not know the pain of losing a baby. Easier would be if we did not know what this felt like, but we do and so we must now figure out how to go forward in our lives. In your case, you have a lot of things against you. You have the fear of your parents NOT supporting your rainbow. You have your Fiance afraid to go through this loss again. You are almost done with college. And you are 20 years old.
Do you want to know the ONLY problem I see here? It is that your Fiance is afraid. He is the one that needs to be on board because at the end of the day you want to create a life together. It would not be right for you to get pregnant unless he was completely on board. My advice for him is this THERE are NO guarantees in life. The ONLY guarantee is that there are NO guarantees! If you try now, or wait 3 years you will always remember the pain you experienced with losing your baby and the fear will always be there. My suggestion is to try and speak to a dr. together about what the plan of action would be for a future pregnancy (if that is even an option) What can prevent the loss? What are the risks? Once he gets a little more confidence about being a daddy again he may jump on board. My guess is that he is young too. Does he feel that he wants to wait longer because there are things he wants to experience too? Is fear the only thing holding him back?
There are PLENTY of adults that are parents and are still going to school. That should not be the concern. As a matter of fact continuing your education is really important as a parent. This makes you a great role model. I can see how everyone can have their opinion based on your age. But reality is, back in the day YOUR age is when people started their families. It is the new generation who feels that their lives are ready to start once everything is in place. I am a perfect example of this. I wanted to enjoy my teens/20's. Got engaged in my late 20's, was married for 3 years before we thought of starting a family and I still lost my baby. Just because you are older does not mean life will be perfect. It does not mean that you can handle something like this more. It just means you are older. Period. There are PLENTY of parents who think they know what is best for their children, even when they are married and settled down. When you get older your parents will STILL think they know what is best for you. My advice for them would be to accept your decisions and jump on board. I am sure they have hurt with this loss as well and even though they might not have been accepting from the beginning they would prefer the baby HERE than not. Which will most likely be the case with your rainbow.
You have to live your life. BUT, you have to make THESE decisions with your partner. This does not concern anyone but YOU and HIM. Hope I was able to help...
But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
I am so sorry you did not get your opportunity to be a mother of an Earth baby. My heart breaks for you that you had to endure such heartache at the tender age of 20. I can hardly imagine what that is like. Seeing all your friends around you worried about petty problems while you are imagining holding your baby. Society has this messed up idea that there is a need to be "married", finished with school, of a certain age, to be a mother. I disagree 100%. I can see where they think that having things done "the right way" would make life easier, but they clearly do not know the pain of losing a baby. Easier would be if we did not know what this felt like, but we do and so we must now figure out how to go forward in our lives. In your case, you have a lot of things against you. You have the fear of your parents NOT supporting your rainbow. You have your Fiance afraid to go through this loss again. You are almost done with college. And you are 20 years old.
Do you want to know the ONLY problem I see here? It is that your Fiance is afraid. He is the one that needs to be on board because at the end of the day you want to create a life together. It would not be right for you to get pregnant unless he was completely on board. My advice for him is this THERE are NO guarantees in life. The ONLY guarantee is that there are NO guarantees! If you try now, or wait 3 years you will always remember the pain you experienced with losing your baby and the fear will always be there. My suggestion is to try and speak to a dr. together about what the plan of action would be for a future pregnancy (if that is even an option) What can prevent the loss? What are the risks? Once he gets a little more confidence about being a daddy again he may jump on board. My guess is that he is young too. Does he feel that he wants to wait longer because there are things he wants to experience too? Is fear the only thing holding him back?
There are PLENTY of adults that are parents and are still going to school. That should not be the concern. As a matter of fact continuing your education is really important as a parent. This makes you a great role model. I can see how everyone can have their opinion based on your age. But reality is, back in the day YOUR age is when people started their families. It is the new generation who feels that their lives are ready to start once everything is in place. I am a perfect example of this. I wanted to enjoy my teens/20's. Got engaged in my late 20's, was married for 3 years before we thought of starting a family and I still lost my baby. Just because you are older does not mean life will be perfect. It does not mean that you can handle something like this more. It just means you are older. Period. There are PLENTY of parents who think they know what is best for their children, even when they are married and settled down. When you get older your parents will STILL think they know what is best for you. My advice for them would be to accept your decisions and jump on board. I am sure they have hurt with this loss as well and even though they might not have been accepting from the beginning they would prefer the baby HERE than not. Which will most likely be the case with your rainbow.
You have to live your life. BUT, you have to make THESE decisions with your partner. This does not concern anyone but YOU and HIM. Hope I was able to help...
But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
Friday, July 16, 2010
My loss is about a month old, but all I can think about to pull myself through is having another baby. My husband is mostly on board (I think to make me happy). He is scared of a repeat loss. I don't think I am doing this to replace my angel, but I just don't know. I feel somehow guilty. Our angel was not planned, but he made me realize how much was missing in my life. Do you think it's healthy? Did you think about having another almost immediately?
Dear kelly,
I am sorry to hear about your recent loss. It is absolutely normal to want a baby so soon. If you look at the people who have had the blessing of a rainbow its almost like they started as soon as they were able to ttc again. The reason behind it is WE WERE READY for this baby...Our arms LITERALLY ache to hold a baby and you have every right to want to feel that baby in your arms. Sometimes the "surprise" babies can make you realize what you really do want in life. As for your husband's fears of this happening again, that is also normal. We ALL fear this. But we have to consider it this way. In order for us to "get the prize" we have to risk our hearts again. I will say though that I would want you BOTH to be ready together. You have to realize that men do not like to see us in pain, and after a loss they pretty much will do ANYTHING to fix it, since they cant fix "it". So talk to him. Communication is the most important part after a loss and especially BEFORE a rainbow. I am not sure how or what caused your loss, but I would make sure that all precautions are taken before you ttc again. If you have a great plan with your dr and your husband on board then I say go ahead and try.
You can NEVER replace your son. It is impossible. He has left an imprint on your heart that has forever changed you. He taught you a very important thing about your life, and what is NOW important to you. You would only be making him a big brother.
I did not consider ttc right away. I was scared. I knew in my heart I wanted a baby more than anything (clearly why I was having one) but when I lost her so late in my pregnancy it brought lots of fear. But now that I have a great dr, and a plan to protect my next baby my husband and I are really excited to make Alyssa a big sister one day.
I wish you the best with your future...be gentle with yourself. This roller coaster can really take the life out of you. Grieving is exhausting, literally. One day you want the baby the next day you get scared...take it one day at a time...Good luck!! Hope I was able to help..
But Hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
I am sorry to hear about your recent loss. It is absolutely normal to want a baby so soon. If you look at the people who have had the blessing of a rainbow its almost like they started as soon as they were able to ttc again. The reason behind it is WE WERE READY for this baby...Our arms LITERALLY ache to hold a baby and you have every right to want to feel that baby in your arms. Sometimes the "surprise" babies can make you realize what you really do want in life. As for your husband's fears of this happening again, that is also normal. We ALL fear this. But we have to consider it this way. In order for us to "get the prize" we have to risk our hearts again. I will say though that I would want you BOTH to be ready together. You have to realize that men do not like to see us in pain, and after a loss they pretty much will do ANYTHING to fix it, since they cant fix "it". So talk to him. Communication is the most important part after a loss and especially BEFORE a rainbow. I am not sure how or what caused your loss, but I would make sure that all precautions are taken before you ttc again. If you have a great plan with your dr and your husband on board then I say go ahead and try.
You can NEVER replace your son. It is impossible. He has left an imprint on your heart that has forever changed you. He taught you a very important thing about your life, and what is NOW important to you. You would only be making him a big brother.
I did not consider ttc right away. I was scared. I knew in my heart I wanted a baby more than anything (clearly why I was having one) but when I lost her so late in my pregnancy it brought lots of fear. But now that I have a great dr, and a plan to protect my next baby my husband and I are really excited to make Alyssa a big sister one day.
I wish you the best with your future...be gentle with yourself. This roller coaster can really take the life out of you. Grieving is exhausting, literally. One day you want the baby the next day you get scared...take it one day at a time...Good luck!! Hope I was able to help..
But Hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
Is it normal for dh (husband) to talk to another female more than he talks to me about everything?
There is no "normal" in life. What you can say is does this make you comfortable or not? And since you are asking if it is normal, I am assuming you are not happy about it. This may be causing some stress in your relationship and I am going to answer 100% honest here. If he were confiding in a man would you feel threatened? You just experienced a recent loss, and your hormones are all over the place which can make you a little more sensitive to his actions. Is he talking to this "woman" behind your back? Are they discussing the loss? Perhaps he is talking to her to get advice on your relationship. I have many friends that are men, and I have confided in them from time to time regarding Anthony and I do not think Anthony would feel threatened by it. BUT and this is a big BUT...if you have expressed your dislike for their friendship and he continues to confide in her, you have to start to ask yourself, "Am I making myself unapproachable?" Does he feel like he can not talk to you about certain things and so he talks to her?
Men are not as complicated as we make them seem, in fact they are a simple breed. I am probably offending some men with that statement, but its true guys. YOU are not a science project. You do things usually for no extra reasons. It is kind of like a what you see is what you get. I think he may talk to this woman because she is giving the impression she is "One of the guys". Men are usually the victims to women who do not know how to back off. My advice to you is to just let him know how you feel (and I am assuming you have) and let him know that because of your recent loss you are vulnerable and you need to feel that YOU are the one and only person he wants to confide in. You need to get to the source of why he is talking so often with her. I think once you have gotten to the core of it the solution will be right in front of you.
It is normal for husbands to talk to their friends about stuff. It is NOT normal for them to do it with people whom you are uncomfortable with. Hope I was able to help...
But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
Men are not as complicated as we make them seem, in fact they are a simple breed. I am probably offending some men with that statement, but its true guys. YOU are not a science project. You do things usually for no extra reasons. It is kind of like a what you see is what you get. I think he may talk to this woman because she is giving the impression she is "One of the guys". Men are usually the victims to women who do not know how to back off. My advice to you is to just let him know how you feel (and I am assuming you have) and let him know that because of your recent loss you are vulnerable and you need to feel that YOU are the one and only person he wants to confide in. You need to get to the source of why he is talking so often with her. I think once you have gotten to the core of it the solution will be right in front of you.
It is normal for husbands to talk to their friends about stuff. It is NOT normal for them to do it with people whom you are uncomfortable with. Hope I was able to help...
But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"
What is one thing that you do (or try to do) to be a good wife?
Marriage is hard work, and after you experience a loss you are basically going to be doing Over time less the "Time and a half pay"...
What I do with Anthony and what has worked for the 9 years we are together is always TALK!! But, sometimes talking is not enough. I always expect after we talk that he is magically going to understand and come running into my arms, whisping me around and we fall in love all over again...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But at least I do not keep it all bottled up inside. What I have noticed through this loss is that we are not always on the same page. IT is so annoying to feel like maybe I care more, or he doesnt act like he cares about this or my feelings. But after a good talk I ALWAYS feel better.
What I really suggest is keeping the "romance" alive. Most of the time guys just need some love. Being intimate after a loss can really be different for everyone. For ME, I thought I would NEVER think of it again. But I did and it was not long after and it was beautiful. For that time we are together whether its just hugging, kissing, or (wink wink) we are ourselves again...Lots have changed around us but THAT has just gotten us close again. It is important to let a man feel close to you, and unfortunately this doesnt work with everyone, so you have to find what works for your guy. Maybe you feel down lately and have not been paying too much attention to him. Maybe surprising him with his favorite dinner and a kiss when he walks through the door can make him feel like "the old you" is back. Lots of times, the men not only lose the babies but they lose US too. Reminding yourselves that you ARE in love is my advice.
So that is what I have been trying to do. Show some interest in his stuff (even though sports makes me gag). Started to put less stress on him of having to take care of me, and instead start to take care of HIM. Cooking, cleaning and even rubbed his feet last night after a long day at work. He does look at me like I am bi-polar, How can one day I cry that he doesnt understand and the next Im "Nice Ann" as he called me. But its because I love him, and he is my best friend. We have been dealt a Shitty card with this heart break and statistics are against us...and I will be DAMNED if I lose my husband to some percentage that says we WONT make it.
What I also do, is talk with my friends. I vent to get others' point of view and no matter what I get as feed back I still do it my way. Which is to just talk. I can not expect him to be a mind reader, that just would be in a perfect land and we DEFINITELY do not live in one. Lots of times you do not realize that EVERYONE goes through this hurdle in the process, and even if you are NOT in this process you still come across a time in your marriage where you feel like you do not know each other anymore...My advice...GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN....make a conscious effort to keep you in your husbands mind.
Good luck Kelley, it is hard work, but you will get through this WITH him...
But hey, That's just "My Two Cents"
What I do with Anthony and what has worked for the 9 years we are together is always TALK!! But, sometimes talking is not enough. I always expect after we talk that he is magically going to understand and come running into my arms, whisping me around and we fall in love all over again...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But at least I do not keep it all bottled up inside. What I have noticed through this loss is that we are not always on the same page. IT is so annoying to feel like maybe I care more, or he doesnt act like he cares about this or my feelings. But after a good talk I ALWAYS feel better.
What I really suggest is keeping the "romance" alive. Most of the time guys just need some love. Being intimate after a loss can really be different for everyone. For ME, I thought I would NEVER think of it again. But I did and it was not long after and it was beautiful. For that time we are together whether its just hugging, kissing, or (wink wink) we are ourselves again...Lots have changed around us but THAT has just gotten us close again. It is important to let a man feel close to you, and unfortunately this doesnt work with everyone, so you have to find what works for your guy. Maybe you feel down lately and have not been paying too much attention to him. Maybe surprising him with his favorite dinner and a kiss when he walks through the door can make him feel like "the old you" is back. Lots of times, the men not only lose the babies but they lose US too. Reminding yourselves that you ARE in love is my advice.
So that is what I have been trying to do. Show some interest in his stuff (even though sports makes me gag). Started to put less stress on him of having to take care of me, and instead start to take care of HIM. Cooking, cleaning and even rubbed his feet last night after a long day at work. He does look at me like I am bi-polar, How can one day I cry that he doesnt understand and the next Im "Nice Ann" as he called me. But its because I love him, and he is my best friend. We have been dealt a Shitty card with this heart break and statistics are against us...and I will be DAMNED if I lose my husband to some percentage that says we WONT make it.
What I also do, is talk with my friends. I vent to get others' point of view and no matter what I get as feed back I still do it my way. Which is to just talk. I can not expect him to be a mind reader, that just would be in a perfect land and we DEFINITELY do not live in one. Lots of times you do not realize that EVERYONE goes through this hurdle in the process, and even if you are NOT in this process you still come across a time in your marriage where you feel like you do not know each other anymore...My advice...GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN....make a conscious effort to keep you in your husbands mind.
Good luck Kelley, it is hard work, but you will get through this WITH him...
But hey, That's just "My Two Cents"
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Just giving my two cents....
Ok here we go!! This is my VERY FIRST advice column. I am hoping to help all of you as others have helped me. I find a lot of the time that people are asking me for help and I really feel good when I do help someone with their grief. But please do not limit yourself to just talking about your journeys. Ask me anything and I will give my full opinion on the matter. I will answer you as a friend. Please remember that I am VERY honest with my answers and sometimes the truth can hurt. I am in no way intending on hurting anyone's feelings. I simply want to help you out when you feel like you have no where to turn. I am feeling like this now, and who better than a person who is going through it to help you. We can help each other =)
Here are the rules...Simply leave your question in the comment box or if you prefer to remain anonymous just email me at Antoinettestabile@msn.com and I will answer your question in the following post. If you wish for your name to not be mentioned it will not be mentioned...other wise, feel free to ask away right here!!
I really hope this blog becomes a place people can feel safe coming to. I would love it if you mentioned this page on your blog as well. I will have a give away after we reach our first 50 followers.
Here are the rules...Simply leave your question in the comment box or if you prefer to remain anonymous just email me at Antoinettestabile@msn.com and I will answer your question in the following post. If you wish for your name to not be mentioned it will not be mentioned...other wise, feel free to ask away right here!!
I really hope this blog becomes a place people can feel safe coming to. I would love it if you mentioned this page on your blog as well. I will have a give away after we reach our first 50 followers.
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