Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear Antoinette, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. You give really great advice and you are really honest. My question to you is about my friends IRL (In real life). They just do not get it. They keep telling me about how 'strong' I am and how time will heal. It really pisses me off because that is not want I want to hear. I just want them to listen to me and understand but they are not BLMs. How can I get them to hear what I am saying without saying stupid comments?

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your loss.  Unfortunately ALL of us can relate to that at one point or another.  Does not make it right, but it is yet another part of our grieving process.

I like to call Non-BLMs..."Outsiders"...because that is in fact what they are in many ways.  They see the 'outside' of you, what you show them, what you tell them.  They are on the 'outside' of the situation.  They have not experienced the heart ache that comes along with losing your babies, for the REST of your life.  I have to say that I wish I had the magic answer for this one.  It is really hard.

We are NOT strong.  We have no choice in the matter.  We are dealt these cards and we have to continue on in a life and find the ways to do so without our flesh in blood with us.  I have been called 'strong' before too.  I guess this is their way of saying we are handling it so well.  They do not see how we cry in the shower.  How when we see a simple pregnancy test commercial we flash right back to the days we bought them and took them ourselves.  They do not realize that the smallest thing brings us RIGHT BACK to those moments and that is what is really hard.  We seem strong because what else can we be?

I used to say if only the 'strong' women and men go through this, where do we sign up to be weak?  But, we are too late for that registration.  We are already members and we are in this together.  We can teach them about what we wish they would do.  We can ask them to just listen to our thoughts and feelings.  But we can not force them to really understand.  If we were, I am sure the Senior BLMs would have figured this part out and taught us the way.

I wish people would STOP saying time will heal.  The only thing time does is calculate MORE time.  Experiences heal.  Passing milestones heals.  Growing in your loss heals.  Time does NOT heal.  With me, finding the reason my baby passed has healed me.  Doing things for myself has healed me.  Blogging has healed me.  Helping others have a voice in their loss has healed me.  They need to educate themselves on what else goes into this grieving.  Time is not the only thing that heals here.  Some times time just reminds you of WHAT you are missing and how long.  That is a reason we say 4 months since....8 months since....2 years since...and I even came across a FB group that was 11 years since... People just DONT forget the pain.. They learn to live with it.  Some days you can and somedays you cant.  Simple.

Please share this rules in an email to your friends.  Explain to them that while you are in the journey you really need them to be there for you JUST to listen.  Nothing they say can fix the problem.  Even our own husbands/boyfriends find frustration with this part.  I am truly sorry you are feeling along IRL.  Maybe once you communicate this with them they can begin the understanding process a bit more. (((hugs)))...Hope I was able to help...I have these on my FB notes and I re post them from time to time to remind those around me where I am coming from.  It may help you if you are part of a social  network with people who do not 'get it'

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace her. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again?

But Hey this is just "My Two Cents"

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