Sunday, August 15, 2010

"Hi, my friend told me about this blog and I was wondering if you can help me out. I am feeling so bad right now and I just need to know if this is ok? A lot of the women in my loss group are now expecting another baby (rainbow) and I just don't want to be selfish, but I really don't want to hear all the details. I mean she lost a baby too, so she deserves this baby. But it doesn't make me any less sensitive to all the details. I want support when I have a rainbow, but right now I am not on that path. What do I tell her without making her think I am jealous? I feel like she should already know that this hurts. I feel like I am having to explain myself to someone who never lost a baby. Please!! HELP!!" Thank you, Kristine

Dear Kristine,

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.  It is enough having to deal with all your own emotions right and I am sorry you are having any added stress.

This is a very touchy subject.  Some of my BLMs can hear about rainbows (child born after a loss) and some are just as triggered as an outsider (a Non-BLM).  The important thing here is she DOES understand how you are feeling, as she has most likely felt this feeling herself.  It is very usual for others to still want comfort from those they confided in the most, especially about their own loss.

What you did not tell me is if you have ever mentioned to her that you were feeling a bit overwhelmed by her pregnancy at all?  How many months is she?  Is it the baby bump or the pregnancy details that are too much for you?

I know several of my BLMs that are expecting a rainbow and sometimes I just feel like it is a bit too much details for those who just had a loss.  There are days when I am very down myself and I just do not want to hear anything about other babies.  But with that said, I still want them to be able to talk to me about their babies.  In the future I will probably also be on that rainbow march and I would love some comfort myself as well.  This is why I say it is a touchy subject.  There are many who probably wont be able to conceive again, or have a biological child of their own.  I would think that if this was your case, she would 'know better'.  But that does not mean that you can't have still options for a rainbow.  As I am sure you and others know there are so many babies and children who are looking for love themselves.  I would love to be able to adopt, but that option is never going to be possible for me and my husband.  So if I am unable to have a biological child one day.  This subject will most likely be VERY sensitive to me as well.

So here is my advice, next time she mentions something about her pregnancy simply say "Today that is too much for me, Im so sorry but I am having a bad day and I really cant talk about your pregnancy right  now.  Have you considered talking to a mom that is on the ttc path or pregnant already?  They may be able to relate more with you, as right now I am still in a very dark place emotionally"  ANY BLM that hears this will know exactly where you are coming from and will probably follow with and "im so sorry i did not know", because the truth is, we hear so much sadness from each other sometimes hearing the hope and love coming from them is contagious.  It doesnt always mean you still dont get triggered yourself "I  should be pregnant too, I want to have another baby soon"  Some people do not have that option for what ever reason.

My other advice which is not in your question, but this can help you in the future, is come to an understanding between your non rainbow mommas yet.  Ask them how much or little would they wish to know about a future pregnancy this way you guys are already on the great path to communication.  I hope I was able to help, this was a REALLY hard question for me, and I usually don't come across too many of those.  It was one of the reasons I did not answer immediately and I hope that does not discourage you from asking me a question again.  I just wanted to be able to tell you 'good advice'....

But hey, it is just "My Two Cents" anyway.....

1 comment:

  1. ann's answer is a very good one. I know when I first lost Jordan I didnt like to see, hear or talk about other babies. with the months to come it got a bit easier but thats not always the case with each BLM, as each person is different. I would feel jelous and would envy them but would sit and bear it. but sometimes it was too much.

    I know how you feel completely.

    but now that I am pregnant with a rainbow. I do find myself sharing details on facebook. and I do have alot of friends on FB who are BLMs as well. when I do post comments I often immediatley hope and pray that I didnt hurt anyones feelings, because those are not my intentions. I feel like I have more support from my BLMs because they know the fear I have, or can imagine the fear I have with rainbow more then any other mommy can. so I love having my BLMS to lean on for support and comfort during my times of worries.

    BUT if I were to get a IM or a messege from a BLM explaining to me that what Im saying is too much for them, I would do my best to talk with them, and not hurt them. though hurting someone else is NEVER my intention. but as I said, I have been there before so I know the jelousy I know the pain. so I understand.

    so my best advice is to talk to this person. explain how you feel,and if you two cant come to an understanding or if she cant respect your feelings maybe you should reevaluate (sp?) your relationship with this person.

    and if its on facebook (I dont know if it is or not) but there is a way to hide some peoples posts so that you are not updated with their status' everyday without deleting them.

    I know i have had to do that with a few people