Friday, August 20, 2010

Two Cent Fridays....

This week was a very beautiful week of honoring the babies.  August 19-Day of Hope has inspired my question of the day.

I was very happy to see that non-BLMs were supporting their family members by changing their pictures on FB.  Assisting them bring the memory boxes into hospitals, especially for those that it was still so fresh. I did not get any support from family, but I did get support from my very good friend, she always makes me feel 'less alone'.  I also had a Non-BLM take pictures of my daughters name and we do not speak at all...she seen her friends babies' name and my daughter and did it together.  It brought tears to my eyes thinking she was also thinking of Alyssa too.  There is nothing like people thinking of your child to make their memory live on.  Especially remembering their name.  Seems like a simple gesture, but you would be surprised at what people have done to me.

I would love your "Two Cents" on how do you feel when a Non-BLM supports you on your special days?  What have they done for you?  Is it just dropping off a card in the mail for your special dates?  Is it taking a picture of something that reminds you of the babies?  What are your "Two Cents" on those that have not shown support?  What have they done?  What can you do to change that in the future?

I can't wait to hear your responses, because I have found no matter how many DO support me, a little piece of me can't stop but think about those who do not and it is very hurtful.  It does not make me feel better knowing I am in this alone......

Hope we have more success stories than not today....but if we do maybe we can come up with a way to change that for us...or at least change our expectations of others' approach.

Monday, August 16, 2010

"What is your advice on anger? I am so angry, I wake up angry, I go to bed angry, I get angry at people for being mad for stupid reasons. I am so tired of being angry, but I can not control it." Thank you Stephanie K

Dear Stephanie,

You have every right to feel angry.  It is one of the major points in grief.  It comes out of no where and it comes in full force.  With that said I have also felt angry and I have come to realize, from the advice of a friend (non-BLM) that anger is fear.

What is your fear?  I think once you get to the core of that you will be able to understand when you get fits of anger.  I felt so much anger at those family members who chose to walk away from me when I was at my worst.  My fear was, being alone in this darkness.  I have accepted the fact that I may not have those around me that I was expecting, but I am so grateful for all the BLMs and friends IRL (in real life) that have been there for me too.  I felt angry at all the other people that were in our 'friends' circle for getting their babies, while I did everything right.  My fear was, that even though they know I had a baby, that they would not look at me as a mother.  I was/am angry at my body.  I tested positive for MTHFR and I have a fear that my body will not be able to bring home a living child for me and my husband.

I get SO angry sometimes (even with all the knowledge I have on anger) about people complaining about 'stupid problems' as you put it.  With this I do not think it is fear.  I think we just want others to realize that there are such small things in life that used to bother us, but we have been dealt the WORST hand (in my opinion) and it is really important for us to feel like others know 'we had a real problem'.  What i can tell you is that my therapist told me that I should respect the fact that 'outsiders' are entitled to their anger and complaints as well.  But I disagree.  I would prefer if they left their petty problems out of my life while I am grieving.  So for those people around you that are being insensitive I would suggest, taking it with a grain of salt.  Listen to what they are saying and that is it.  Do not give 'your two cents' because you will only be added to your anger.  I wish people would see our situations and sit back and think "Wow I am complaining about this, when it is a fixable problem and poor Stephanie just lost her baby."  THAT would be in a perfect world, and in my perfect world babies don't die, so we would not need to even discuss them.

Hope I was able to help.

But hey, its just "My Two Cents"

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"Hi, my friend told me about this blog and I was wondering if you can help me out. I am feeling so bad right now and I just need to know if this is ok? A lot of the women in my loss group are now expecting another baby (rainbow) and I just don't want to be selfish, but I really don't want to hear all the details. I mean she lost a baby too, so she deserves this baby. But it doesn't make me any less sensitive to all the details. I want support when I have a rainbow, but right now I am not on that path. What do I tell her without making her think I am jealous? I feel like she should already know that this hurts. I feel like I am having to explain myself to someone who never lost a baby. Please!! HELP!!" Thank you, Kristine

Dear Kristine,

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.  It is enough having to deal with all your own emotions right and I am sorry you are having any added stress.

This is a very touchy subject.  Some of my BLMs can hear about rainbows (child born after a loss) and some are just as triggered as an outsider (a Non-BLM).  The important thing here is she DOES understand how you are feeling, as she has most likely felt this feeling herself.  It is very usual for others to still want comfort from those they confided in the most, especially about their own loss.

What you did not tell me is if you have ever mentioned to her that you were feeling a bit overwhelmed by her pregnancy at all?  How many months is she?  Is it the baby bump or the pregnancy details that are too much for you?

I know several of my BLMs that are expecting a rainbow and sometimes I just feel like it is a bit too much details for those who just had a loss.  There are days when I am very down myself and I just do not want to hear anything about other babies.  But with that said, I still want them to be able to talk to me about their babies.  In the future I will probably also be on that rainbow march and I would love some comfort myself as well.  This is why I say it is a touchy subject.  There are many who probably wont be able to conceive again, or have a biological child of their own.  I would think that if this was your case, she would 'know better'.  But that does not mean that you can't have still options for a rainbow.  As I am sure you and others know there are so many babies and children who are looking for love themselves.  I would love to be able to adopt, but that option is never going to be possible for me and my husband.  So if I am unable to have a biological child one day.  This subject will most likely be VERY sensitive to me as well.

So here is my advice, next time she mentions something about her pregnancy simply say "Today that is too much for me, Im so sorry but I am having a bad day and I really cant talk about your pregnancy right  now.  Have you considered talking to a mom that is on the ttc path or pregnant already?  They may be able to relate more with you, as right now I am still in a very dark place emotionally"  ANY BLM that hears this will know exactly where you are coming from and will probably follow with and "im so sorry i did not know", because the truth is, we hear so much sadness from each other sometimes hearing the hope and love coming from them is contagious.  It doesnt always mean you still dont get triggered yourself "I  should be pregnant too, I want to have another baby soon"  Some people do not have that option for what ever reason.

My other advice which is not in your question, but this can help you in the future, is come to an understanding between your non rainbow mommas yet.  Ask them how much or little would they wish to know about a future pregnancy this way you guys are already on the great path to communication.  I hope I was able to help, this was a REALLY hard question for me, and I usually don't come across too many of those.  It was one of the reasons I did not answer immediately and I hope that does not discourage you from asking me a question again.  I just wanted to be able to tell you 'good advice'....

But hey, it is just "My Two Cents" anyway.....

Friday, August 13, 2010

Two Cent Fridays....

Today on this 'Two Cent Friday" I would like to ask my fellow BLMs what their 'two cents' are on Guilt.

I have come across many of these thoughts myself since losing my daughter and even though I know I did EVERYTHING I could have to protect her, the thoughts do creep in my head from time to time.  Did I eat right?  Did I sleep right?  Did I drink enough water?  What if I went to the Dr. sooner?  What if I did this or that?  These thoughts on their own can drive a person crazy.  It is enough to slow down the healing at any given point.

My two cents on it?  If you TRULY believe it was your fault, it most likely wasnt.  I really believe that guilt is just a part of the grieving process and ANY good mother would come across a moment of it or not. That is what mother's do.  They protect their babies and they worry for them.  Just like when a child falls and scrapes thier knees, you ask yourself "Why did I not run and grab them quick enough"....I believe though the situations are different, that the idea of having to keep our babies safe is a major part of the guilt.

What would you tell a fellow BLM that is really blaming themselves?  Would you suggest therapy?  Would you suggest talking with other BLMs to feel less guilty?  For myself, therapy has helped a lot.  I hear from an 'outsider' that it is not my fault and that really validates me.  I also repeat to myself "I did NOT do this.  This was my body, but it was not ME"  That has seemed to help as well.

Thanks for participating in this week's Gimme your two cents...this question comes from a very close BLM of mine who really feels so guilty months later.  Any advice you can giver her, please leave it here.  Even how you were able to come past this point can help her out.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear Antoinette, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. You give really great advice and you are really honest. My question to you is about my friends IRL (In real life). They just do not get it. They keep telling me about how 'strong' I am and how time will heal. It really pisses me off because that is not want I want to hear. I just want them to listen to me and understand but they are not BLMs. How can I get them to hear what I am saying without saying stupid comments?

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your loss.  Unfortunately ALL of us can relate to that at one point or another.  Does not make it right, but it is yet another part of our grieving process.

I like to call Non-BLMs..."Outsiders"...because that is in fact what they are in many ways.  They see the 'outside' of you, what you show them, what you tell them.  They are on the 'outside' of the situation.  They have not experienced the heart ache that comes along with losing your babies, for the REST of your life.  I have to say that I wish I had the magic answer for this one.  It is really hard.

We are NOT strong.  We have no choice in the matter.  We are dealt these cards and we have to continue on in a life and find the ways to do so without our flesh in blood with us.  I have been called 'strong' before too.  I guess this is their way of saying we are handling it so well.  They do not see how we cry in the shower.  How when we see a simple pregnancy test commercial we flash right back to the days we bought them and took them ourselves.  They do not realize that the smallest thing brings us RIGHT BACK to those moments and that is what is really hard.  We seem strong because what else can we be?

I used to say if only the 'strong' women and men go through this, where do we sign up to be weak?  But, we are too late for that registration.  We are already members and we are in this together.  We can teach them about what we wish they would do.  We can ask them to just listen to our thoughts and feelings.  But we can not force them to really understand.  If we were, I am sure the Senior BLMs would have figured this part out and taught us the way.

I wish people would STOP saying time will heal.  The only thing time does is calculate MORE time.  Experiences heal.  Passing milestones heals.  Growing in your loss heals.  Time does NOT heal.  With me, finding the reason my baby passed has healed me.  Doing things for myself has healed me.  Blogging has healed me.  Helping others have a voice in their loss has healed me.  They need to educate themselves on what else goes into this grieving.  Time is not the only thing that heals here.  Some times time just reminds you of WHAT you are missing and how long.  That is a reason we say 4 months since....8 months since....2 years since...and I even came across a FB group that was 11 years since... People just DONT forget the pain.. They learn to live with it.  Some days you can and somedays you cant.  Simple.

Please share this rules in an email to your friends.  Explain to them that while you are in the journey you really need them to be there for you JUST to listen.  Nothing they say can fix the problem.  Even our own husbands/boyfriends find frustration with this part.  I am truly sorry you are feeling along IRL.  Maybe once you communicate this with them they can begin the understanding process a bit more. (((hugs)))...Hope I was able to help...I have these on my FB notes and I re post them from time to time to remind those around me where I am coming from.  It may help you if you are part of a social  network with people who do not 'get it'

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace her. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again?

But Hey this is just "My Two Cents"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I lost my baby a few months back. Sometimes I feel like I am just too surrounded by loss and it makes me depressed. But I don't want anyone to feel alone. Is it wrong to feel like this?

Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear about your baby.  I can understand all too well about feeling like there is so much loss around you.  I often wonder if this is why Baby Loss is Taboo?  Is it because of hearing what can actually happen that makes you continue to live in fear.

It is absolutely normal to feel like there is too much surrounding you and I encourage you to listen and read as often or as little as you need. About 3 months ago I realized I needed to step back a bit and I stopped reading new stories and stopped following new blogs.  I was still really grieving and it was hard for me to comfort others while I was still trying to 'find myself' if you will.  Now that I am in a different place I have slowly gotten back into it.  I have to say that it does educate me more on how others speak about their loss and sometimes I just feel 'better' after knowing I am not alone in my sadness.

Truth is this is a sad event.  Yes there will be stories of rainbows and good endings, but all those stories start with a sad beginning and in fact can be depressing.  What you have to ask yourself is very simple.  Have I reached my limit?  Everyone has a limit on what they will or will not be able to handle.  I have come to the point a few times and its then where I 'step back' for a bit and regroup and reorganize my thoughts.  When you start to feel consumed with grief it is usually a good time to allow yourself to just step away from the community for a bit.  There will always be someone there to comfort the others, and you should not feel obligated to do so.  Everyone can understand your thoughts and it is ok to want to 'get a breather' from it all.  I encourage other BLMs to comment here for this mom so that she can hear other opinions on this as well.  I am just one person speaking on how I feel about this.  Sometimes a question like this is better answered by more than one person...((hugs)) to all of those that have felt this at one point.  I know I sure have.

Hope I was able to help, But hey this is just "My Two Cents"

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I don't know what to do. Lately I am coming across more and more people that assume that because I am having a good day that I am healed. I want to continue to move forward but I am so scared people will think I am over it and judge me when I am having a bad day. This happens all the time and it makes me feel worse.

This is a common thing in our 'new normal'.  I have witnessed many people give their own version on what a good time line is to move on.  What they do not realize is, when we move on we are really only moving forward.  We do not forget what happened to us. And we certainly do no go back to being ourselves.  This is the damn part of the grieving that is just not understood by the rest of the world.  Many BLMs are made to feel like they are doing this right or wrong for the way they express themselves.  In this New Normal, there is absolutely no right or wrong.  I always say to embrace the feelings you have today.  That is the only way you can truly heal.  Holding feelings inside to fool others or worse, fool yourself will only bring you deeper into the pit when you fall.  The only thing I can say is you have to do what works for you.

If you are smiling and laughing today, then by all means enjoy it and embrace the happiness.  If there is anything that we deserve is those times of a really good HARD laugh.  I remember feeling like Carrie from Sex and the City 1, when she was left at the alter and thought she would never laugh again.  Then she see Charlotte crap her pants in Mexico and really did laugh hard.  It is moments like those that make us feel normal again and I totally think its ok.

If you find yourself not wanting to leave your bed today, maybe its an anniversary or the baby or just the fact that is a damn Monday...then that is ok too.  Allow yourself to cry and feel the sadness because as I am only seeing myself those days lesson more and more....the pain is there but the days of wanting to hide from the world do decrease.  Not just with time, but with experience and healing.  Time is NOT the medicine here.  Time is just a factor in it.  Some times time is just another reminder of how long the baby is gone, and how long you been sad, and how long you have not held them.  Time can be the enemy here as well.

My therapist told me that those that go ahead and act like nothing is wrong are not grieving publicly.  Instead those people are holding their pain inside for themselves.  Showing pain takes a lot of nerve.  No one likes to be judged.  No one wants to hear criticism.  People like me honestly just do not care.  I am not concerned with people assuming that I am in the wrong place.  In my opinion the RIGHT place would be in a rocking chair breast feeding my baby, so to me there is no wrong place in grief.

I really hope that you can get your friends, family and those that are not supportive to you to understand that you are doing the best you can with the WORST experience possible.  They need to just respect the fact that they do not really know what you are going through and give you as much time as you need to heal.  Do NOT feel you need to rush to show face.  In the long run you are only hurting yourself.  They will have moved on for real in their lives and you will be stuck in the grief.

Grief comes in stages and eventually turns into the Roller Coaster from hell.  The good days are SO GOOD, and then the bad days hit you like a ton of bricks.

God bless you and all the BLMs that have to have any added stress.  A good support system is the key to healing.  Sometimes you can only get the support from people you physically will never even know *sigh*....but it is so true.  Hope I was able to help you

But hey, it is just My Two Cents!!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Two Cent Fridays...

Hey guys, hope you had an 'uneventful' week.

Today's Two Cent Topic is one that has been running through a lot of the BLM's minds.  The very first questions I got here was all based on TTC (Trying to conceive) and Rainbow Babies (babies born after a loss).

So I am asking for YOUR Two Cents today.  After losing your child how quickly did you decide you were ready to TTC/Adopt?  What has been the reaction of your Husband/boyfriend?  Has your family embraced this as well?  How quickly did you act on them?  What would your advice be to those that are now getting onto this path?  What should or shouldn't they expect from a Rainbow?

I remember when hearing the awful words "there is no heart beat" I said I would NEVER do this again.  For weeks the thought of going through this just made me sick to my stomach.  The fear, the anxiety ALL of it just made me want to NEVER even touch my husband.  BUT, that all changed a few months ago.  I started to realize how much my arms felt empty, how badly I wanted to be a mother to Alyssa and a mother to a living child.  I know how badly my husband wants to TTC again and for that we have started to speak more openly about the future.  The fear for me is still there.  The worries I believe are STILL there even while you are pregnant, and still after you take home the rainbow (God willing).  What can we do?  In order to get the prize we have to risk our hearts right?

Lots of BLMs believe that getting that rainbow can ease the pain, and shortly after realize that it does not ease the pain, but instead teach you to love a different child.

SO here we go, I can't wait to hear all the responses....Gimme YOUR Two Cents today!!!

Friday, July 30, 2010


Ok so here we go...

Today's "Two Cent" topic is:

What TV shows are now hard for you to watch?  What are your "two cents" on watching TV or movies?

I was so excited about Jersey Shore, and even though I did laugh hysterically, when they were flashing back to the last episodes I could NOT help but remember where I was during that time.  I did not change the channel as I would on other shows that bring triggers, which I think is a major improvement, but I could not help but realize that even this has changed for me.  Other shows that have been TOO difficult to watch has been Baby Story, which pisses me off in a way, because that was a favorite show of mine for years before I got pregnant.  I can not watch The George Lopez show, I watched this every night when I could not sleep, and each show is another reminder of what she did at what part Ughhh that is too hard for me!!

Any way, what are your "Two Cents" on this?  Why do you think a simple TV show can have such an impact on our emotions?

Leave your comments here....

Friday, July 23, 2010

Two Cent Fridays....

Ok So I am starting something here..I am going to open up the blog to YOUR two cents each Friday.  I will start the topic and we can go from there.

Tonight's topic is:

How do you feel about the way others have reacted to your loss?  Do you get judged? Do you feel abandoned?  Do you get called names? Do you feel alone because of this?

 I have had ALL of these done to me, and more.  How have I handled it?  Well I really was not given a choice.  Most responses were for us to "take time to heal" and then we will reconnect, as if I want to reconnect with someone who thinks I as too miserable to be around.  Gimme your "Two Cents" on what you think a BLM should do when under this circumstance?  I like to think "weeding out the bad ones" works best. But, in the end you realize that there are not much left, but those that ARE left are the most compassionate and understanding people in your life.  I am blessed with plenty of those people.   

So please, leave your "Two cents" here....and we will see how this goes...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My baby died a little over 3 months ago and I miss her with every inch of my being, but I can't help but want to be a Mommy to an earth baby. I'll be 21 this year (I know I'm young) and my parents would kill me if I tried for another (I've lived on my own since 17yo by the way), but this is what I want. Everyone expects me to finish college first (I'll be a senior in the Fall) but I honestly don't think I could wait that long. It just kills me that I'm not pregnant already. My boyfriend/fiancee doesn't want to try right now for fear of another loss. Should I keep trying to please everyone else or should I do what my heart tells me as long as the boyfriend is on board? Thanks Ann!

Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry you did not get your opportunity to be a mother of an Earth baby. My heart breaks for you that you had to endure such heartache at the tender age of 20. I can hardly imagine what that is like. Seeing all your friends around you worried about petty problems while you are imagining holding your baby. Society has this messed up idea that there is a need to be "married", finished with school, of a certain age, to be a mother. I disagree 100%. I can see where they think that having things done "the right way" would make life easier, but they clearly do not know the pain of losing a baby. Easier would be if we did not know what this felt like, but we do and so we must now figure out how to go forward in our lives. In your case, you have a lot of things against you. You have the fear of your parents NOT supporting your rainbow. You have your Fiance afraid to go through this loss again. You are almost done with college. And you are 20 years old.

Do you want to know the ONLY problem I see here? It is that your Fiance is afraid. He is the one that needs to be on board because at the end of the day you want to create a life together. It would not be right for you to get pregnant unless he was completely on board. My advice for him is this THERE are NO guarantees in life. The ONLY guarantee is that there are NO guarantees! If you try now, or wait 3 years you will always remember the pain you experienced with losing your baby and the fear will always be there. My suggestion is to try and speak to a dr. together about what the plan of action would be for a future pregnancy (if that is even an option) What can prevent the loss? What are the risks? Once he gets a little more confidence about being a daddy again he may jump on board. My guess is that he is young too. Does he feel that he wants to wait longer because there are things he wants to experience too? Is fear the only thing holding him back?

There are PLENTY of adults that are parents and are still going to school. That should not be the concern. As a matter of fact continuing your education is really important as a parent. This makes you a great role model. I can see how everyone can have their opinion based on your age. But reality is, back in the day YOUR age is when people started their families. It is the new generation who feels that their lives are ready to start once everything is in place. I am a perfect example of this. I wanted to enjoy my teens/20's. Got engaged in my late 20's, was married for 3 years before we thought of starting a family and I still lost my baby. Just because you are older does not mean life will be perfect. It does not mean that you can handle something like this more. It just means you are older. Period. There are PLENTY of parents who think they know what is best for their children, even when they are married and settled down. When you get older your parents will STILL think they know what is best for you. My advice for them would be to accept your decisions and jump on board. I am sure they have hurt with this loss as well and even though they might not have been accepting from the beginning they would prefer the baby HERE than not. Which will most likely be the case with your rainbow.

You have to live your life. BUT, you have to make THESE decisions with your partner. This does not concern anyone but YOU and HIM. Hope I was able to help...

But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"

Friday, July 16, 2010

My loss is about a month old, but all I can think about to pull myself through is having another baby. My husband is mostly on board (I think to make me happy). He is scared of a repeat loss. I don't think I am doing this to replace my angel, but I just don't know. I feel somehow guilty. Our angel was not planned, but he made me realize how much was missing in my life. Do you think it's healthy? Did you think about having another almost immediately?

Dear kelly,

I am sorry to hear about your recent loss. It is absolutely normal to want a baby so soon. If you look at the people who have had the blessing of a rainbow its almost like they started as soon as they were able to ttc again. The reason behind it is WE WERE READY for this baby...Our arms LITERALLY ache to hold a baby and you have every right to want to feel that baby in your arms. Sometimes the "surprise" babies can make you realize what you really do want in life. As for your husband's fears of this happening again, that is also normal. We ALL fear this. But we have to consider it this way. In order for us to "get the prize" we have to risk our hearts again. I will say though that I would want you BOTH to be ready together. You have to realize that men do not like to see us in pain, and after a loss they pretty much will do ANYTHING to fix it, since they cant fix "it". So talk to him. Communication is the most important part after a loss and especially BEFORE a rainbow. I am not sure how or what caused your loss, but I would make sure that all precautions are taken before you ttc again. If you have a great plan with your dr and your husband on board then I say go ahead and try.

You can NEVER replace your son. It is impossible. He has left an imprint on your heart that has forever changed you. He taught you a very important thing about your life, and what is NOW important to you. You would only be making him a big brother.

I did not consider ttc right away. I was scared. I knew in my heart I wanted a baby more than anything (clearly why I was having one) but when I lost her so late in my pregnancy it brought lots of fear. But now that I have a great dr, and a plan to protect my next baby my husband and I are really excited to make Alyssa a big sister one day.

I wish you the best with your gentle with yourself. This roller coaster can really take the life out of you. Grieving is exhausting, literally. One day you want the baby the next day you get scared...take it one day at a time...Good luck!! Hope I was able to help..

But Hey, that's just "My Two Cents"

Is it normal for dh (husband) to talk to another female more than he talks to me about everything?

There is no "normal" in life. What you can say is does this make you comfortable or not? And since you are asking if it is normal, I am assuming you are not happy about it. This may be causing some stress in your relationship and I am going to answer 100% honest here. If he were confiding in a man would you feel threatened? You just experienced a recent loss, and your hormones are all over the place which can make you a little more sensitive to his actions. Is he talking to this "woman" behind your back? Are they discussing the loss? Perhaps he is talking to her to get advice on your relationship. I have many friends that are men, and I have confided in them from time to time regarding Anthony and I do not think Anthony would feel threatened by it. BUT and this is a big BUT...if you have expressed your dislike for their friendship and he continues to confide in her, you have to start to ask yourself, "Am I making myself unapproachable?" Does he feel like he can not talk to you about certain things and so he talks to her?

Men are not as complicated as we make them seem, in fact they are a simple breed. I am probably offending some men with that statement, but its true guys. YOU are not a science project. You do things usually for no extra reasons. It is kind of like a what you see is what you get. I think he may talk to this woman because she is giving the impression she is "One of the guys". Men are usually the victims to women who do not know how to back off. My advice to you is to just let him know how you feel (and I am assuming you have) and let him know that because of your recent loss you are vulnerable and you need to feel that YOU are the one and only person he wants to confide in. You need to get to the source of why he is talking so often with her. I think once you have gotten to the core of it the solution will be right in front of you.

It is normal for husbands to talk to their friends about stuff. It is NOT normal for them to do it with people whom you are uncomfortable with. Hope I was able to help...

But hey, that's just "My Two Cents"

What is one thing that you do (or try to do) to be a good wife?

Marriage is hard work, and after you experience a loss you are basically going to be doing Over time less the "Time and a half pay"...

What I do with Anthony and what has worked for the 9 years we are together is always TALK!! But, sometimes talking is not enough. I always expect after we talk that he is magically going to understand and come running into my arms, whisping me around and we fall in love all over again...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But at least I do not keep it all bottled up inside. What I have noticed through this loss is that we are not always on the same page. IT is so annoying to feel like maybe I care more, or he doesnt act like he cares about this or my feelings. But after a good talk I ALWAYS feel better.

What I really suggest is keeping the "romance" alive. Most of the time guys just need some love. Being intimate after a loss can really be different for everyone. For ME, I thought I would NEVER think of it again. But I did and it was not long after and it was beautiful. For that time we are together whether its just hugging, kissing, or (wink wink) we are ourselves again...Lots have changed around us but THAT has just gotten us close again. It is important to let a man feel close to you, and unfortunately this doesnt work with everyone, so you have to find what works for your guy. Maybe you feel down lately and have not been paying too much attention to him. Maybe surprising him with his favorite dinner and a kiss when he walks through the door can make him feel like "the old you" is back. Lots of times, the men not only lose the babies but they lose US too. Reminding yourselves that you ARE in love is my advice.

So that is what I have been trying to do. Show some interest in his stuff (even though sports makes me gag). Started to put less stress on him of having to take care of me, and instead start to take care of HIM. Cooking, cleaning and even rubbed his feet last night after a long day at work. He does look at me like I am bi-polar, How can one day I cry that he doesnt understand and the next Im "Nice Ann" as he called me. But its because I love him, and he is my best friend. We have been dealt a Shitty card with this heart break and statistics are against us...and I will be DAMNED if I lose my husband to some percentage that says we WONT make it.

What I also do, is talk with my friends. I vent to get others' point of view and no matter what I get as feed back I still do it my way. Which is to just talk. I can not expect him to be a mind reader, that just would be in a perfect land and we DEFINITELY do not live in one. Lots of times you do not realize that EVERYONE goes through this hurdle in the process, and even if you are NOT in this process you still come across a time in your marriage where you feel like you do not know each other anymore...My advice...GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN....make a conscious effort to keep you in your husbands mind.

Good luck Kelley, it is hard work, but you will get through this WITH him...

But hey, That's just "My Two Cents"

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Just giving my two cents....

Ok here we go!! This is my VERY FIRST advice column. I am hoping to help all of you as others have helped me. I find a lot of the time that people are asking me for help and I really feel good when I do help someone with their grief. But please do not limit yourself to just talking about your journeys. Ask me anything and I will give my full opinion on the matter. I will answer you as a friend. Please remember that I am VERY honest with my answers and sometimes the truth can hurt. I am in no way intending on hurting anyone's feelings. I simply want to help you out when you feel like you have no where to turn. I am feeling like this now, and who better than a person who is going through it to help you. We can help each other =)

Here are the rules...Simply leave your question in the comment box or if you prefer to remain anonymous just email me at and I will answer your question in the following post. If you wish for your name to not be mentioned it will not be mentioned...other wise, feel free to ask away right here!!

I really hope this blog becomes a place people can feel safe coming to. I would love it if you mentioned this page on your blog as well. I will have a give away after we reach our first 50 followers.